AutOgresponder
by YourAngstyNeighborhoodEmoTeen
Summary: Hal learns what it's like to feel, they learn many emotions, fear, sadness, love. All thanks to one man, or should I say ogre?


It was a ogrgeous summer day so Hal and Dave decided to go for a prance, one of their favorite activities as bestest friend buddy bros. They donned their friendship sashes and headed down the street into the woods they had never dared to prance in before, but Hal felt they were ready.

Along the prancing path they pranced, with wild abandon, loosey goosey they let that shit flow like the raddest of feelings jams. They had stopped shortly to sew new buddy badges onto their sashes when a wise young ragged teenager forest woman approached them.

"Thank goodness I've found you, I heard the crackling of leaves and crunching of sticks accompanied by joyous laughter," the woman spoke sounding aghast.

"Yeah we were prancin' yo," Dave responded coolly.

"As I thought. Dear travelers, you mustn't prance in such a place, with such wild abandon. Please, out of fear for your hearts and basketball reputations, I recommend that you check yourself clear of such activities for the time that you spend in these woods, lest you may wreck yourselves yet." With that the wise woman left.

"Who even was that, dawg?" Dave inquired.

"Fiona I think," Hal replied.

"How do y'all figure that?" Dave drawlquired.

"It said it on her wise mystical woman nametag," Hal stated.

"Oh. Well, this whole situ'tion seems a tad queer ta me, I think I'll continue mah prancin' thank y'all very much," Dave said standing up on top of a log.

"I really think we should check ourselves though, she said we would wreck ourselves yet if we didn't. My processors don't even know what to make of that. I can't nor shall I prance," Hal proclaimed boldly.

"... Pretty beta, bro," Dave began his intense prancing session.

Hal walked briskly alongside Dave as he pranced, Hal soon believed that maybe the worst had come to pass or had never been present at all. But why would the young, wise, ragged, filthy, presumably homeless, forest woman Fiona lie? Suddenly Hal heard a rumble and they stopped abruptly. Dave continued to prance, "Dave, wait!" Dave did not yield. Then Hal heard what they could only describe as an ogrumble. A large olive green brute thundered out from the trees and picked up Dave by the leg and dragged him deeper into the woods off of the path. Hal ran after in a futile effort to save his super best friend. Hal arrived fresh onto the scene to witness the beast slam Dave's ragdoll body through a home built basketball net, breaking the glass and Dave's skull onto the court below.

Hal fell to their knees and screamed to the trees, internally praying that the Lorax wasn't an old children's tale and that he would slay this creature for destroying both the trees and their friend, "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

The humanoid-being sluggishly looked to Hal with tiny pupils, "Beta got Shrek'd because Beta did not check himself, they never do," it then returned to its half assed treehouse mud shack in the middle of the swamp.

Hal stood up, nonexistent tears would be burning their face if it were possible, "I-i did," Hal said in retort.

The beast returned, throwing the door off of it's home and quickly stomping up to the android, "You did! But why?"

"I... I dunno... it just kinda felt like it was something I had to do," Hal said quietly, feeling too skittish to speak at a normal volume.

"Then you are not... Beta. But what are you?" The green monster questioned.

"... I'm Hal, who are you?"

"Shrek," he answered.

"Well, Shrek... huh," Shrek turned back to his home but Hal grabbed his bulking bicep and shouted, "Wait, don't go! You've taught me how to feel, no one has ever done that. I now know both genuine fear, and genuine sadness. Thank you, please continue to teach me!"

"Shrek is shitty teacher," he said then trudged on, "then at least be my friend," Hal said as they were dragged with Shrek's bicep as he walked.

"... Fine. You are not Beta and I am a friend to all who are not Beta, however. Do not think you are Alpha, because that is me," Shrek ogrumbled to Hal.

"I am completely okay with that," Hal responded automatically.

* * *

Hal had slept in Shrek's shack the previous night, the next morning they awoke and exited the stove. They searched for Shrek but had found nothing until they heard a roar from outside. Hal approached Shrek outside and saw the wise young woman there, "Take me back LoveShek!"

"You can't call me that anymore!" Shrek yelled.

"What's happening?" Hal inquired.

"Stay the fuck away from my manogre, I told you not to prance. That didn't mean to skip into my mans meaty arms!" Fiona shouted from across the plank bridge.

"Fuck off Beta," Shrek retorted.

"How could you call me that after all we've shared," she screamed.

"Ya slept with me and stole mah shit in the night, I don't think we shared anythin'," Shrek snapped back harder than he had snapped Dave's spine.

"I'll kick your ass m8," Fiona charged forward towards Hal. Hal immediately climbed onto Shrek's shoulders and secured themself in a haphazardous position akin to that of young children in the market square on their parents shoulders. They screeched, "Fucking wreck them, Shek, AUGHHGHJHFHG," Hal was not used to the violent conflicts between flesh beings.

Shrek charged forward but stopped and only shoved Fiona back lightly, "stay outta mah swamp, Beta."

Fiona cried a single tear and huffed, turning heel and running away in a her tattered emerald dress.

Hal was still clinging onto Shrek when the ogre began to speak, "You called me Shek," he said deadpanning.

"I... didn't mean to," Hal stammered out.

"No it's alright, I... I think maybe, just you can call me that name," Shrek finished.

"Oh," Hal's cheeks turned a warm, red hue, because Hal had jumped too hard previously and disrupted their fan systems. They began to have a seizure moments later and blacked out to their system error screen.

* * *

Hal awoke to the crushing feeling of multiple biceps around them, when their vision returned completely they gazed up at Shek.

"You ogrkay?"

"I- I am ogrkay," Hal immediately pissed their pants at the presence of Shek, only spending a millisecond on the thought of what practical reason that function had been installed.

"H-how did you fix my systems?" Hal said calmly.

"I studied robotics and technology in collgrege," Shek responded.

Hal studied Shek's expression for a moment, "I think you've taught me how to feel... love... Shek."

Shek stared adoringly into Hal's optics, "Then call me LoveShek, because Shek will love you."

"Take me. Right here, LoveShek," Hal breathed out.

"No, not hear," LoveShek orgrumbled out huskily, and carried Hal back to his shack.

"LoveShek will love you in the LoveShack," LoveShek shouted.

"I always knew I'd experience something like this one day," Hal smiled.


End file.
